Omer 2024 Day 31

Day 30 | Day 32

Day 31: Tiferet in Hod, Beauty in Glory/Gratitude

Today, I would like to offer an excerpt from my conversion diary:

December 1, 2010

I realized today that God had answered a prayer for me when God finally brought me to Judaism. Kind of a divine revelation. For a year and a half I struggled with Judaism - how it is a religion and a culture, the fact that I didn't know Hebrew, the concept of sitting shiva, or the fact that the major holidays are emotionally wrenching. Every week at services, I asked God to give me a spiritual connection to something. I was paranoid that everyone knew I wasn't Jewish and I felt out of place. I look back on it now and it seems so stupid. Of course everyone knew I wasn't Jewish, but they included me in everything anyway. I was the one who put myself on the outside. Every week, I would go and feel awkward and pray for God to give me a spiritual connection. The problem was that I believed the tenets of Judaism, but didn't feel connected to it. I would leave services humming Lecha Dodi and say, "That was fun, but I don't feel closer to God," as if a relationship with God could be built over the course of one Kabbalat Shabbat service. I was so hung up on the things I didn't understand and my own discomfort, that I couldn't see the beauty of the relationship that was unfolding.

And then one morning I woke up and none of those things bothered me anymore. I've learned enough Hebrew to follow along at a reasonable pace. I understand the communal support structure of shiva that brings healing to the mourner. I found deep meaning in the introspection and hunger of Yom Kippur. Each of these things clicked a while ago, but I only realized it today, because I caught myself thinking about Judaism's dual nature as a religion and culture, as if I had never struggled with the concept at all. So, thank you, God, for answering my prayers so subtly that I didn't even notice it.

I spent so much of my early exposure to Judaism second-guessing myself, feeling out of place and self-conscious. I spent so much time begging God to give me a sudden epiphany that I didn't see the beauty of my Jewish life growing around me until I had been living it for a while. This is beauty in glory and gratitude. Never doubt that you are enough. Never give up on the life you want. Never stop striving for God. And be open to the beauty coming both gradually and all at once.