Happy Anniversary to Me! 13 Years Since My Mikvah

On April 8, 2011, I sat before my beit din in Nashville and answered questions about why I wanted to be a Jew. What had drawn me to this religion? What was my favorite thing about Jewish life? About the holidays? Was I prepared to face antisemitism?

In celebration of my 13th year of Jewish life (happy bat mitzvah to my conversion!), I'd like to share an excerpt from my conversion essay:

My inexplicable connection to Judaism has developed over the past two years. It started with a simple convergence of beliefs - my values aligned with the principles of Judaism. The focus on family, community, learning, and curiosity are all values that I share with Judaism and that drew me to the religion. My connection felt more logical than spiritual, and I knew that I could only convert to a religion in which I could connect in every way that I needed. I would settle for nothing less than a religion that matched my values, encouraged my growth, and, most importantly, left me feeling closer to God. For a long time, Judaism fulfilled the first two requirements, but did not make me feel any closer to God.

That feeling I was looking for can only be described as awe. I wanted a religion that not only preached what I believed and challenged me to be a better person, but that also filled me with wonder and a sense of God’s presence. I thought that maybe it was too much to ask for all of these things to align for me in one religion, but for a year, that was all I asked of God. I went to temple every week and prayed that God would connect me with something in all the ways I wanted. “It doesn’t have to be Judaism,” I bargained with God, “as long as it holds the same principles and has songs as fun as V’shamru and as beautiful as Mi Chamocha. Please, God, just give me that connection.”

There were other barriers, like learning Hebrew and the fact that I struggled to comprehend the dual nature of Judaism as a religion and a culture, but with time I became more comfortable with those aspects. Eventually, everything else fell into place for me with Judaism and all I needed was the awe.

God answered my prayers without warning. It was a random weekday, not long after the High Holidays, a year and a half after I had become actively engaged with Judaism. It happened as an epiphany after an otherwise slow, methodical buildup of comfort and understanding. I think I needed that comfort before I could fully connect in the way I wanted and needed with Judaism and with God. There is a concept in Judaism that every Jew, whether Jewish by birth or conversion, is born with a Jewish soul. This sudden epiphany I experienced felt as though my Jewish soul was ignited. This is when I decided to convert.

Today, I also so clearly see na'aseh v'nishma (we will do and we will hear) in my epiphany moment. I "did" Judaism - davened and studied Torah weekly, taught in the Sunday School, kept kosher - and only then did I "hear" God, did I feel fully at home in Judaism and called to begin my conversion process. When I emerged from the mikvah 13 years ago, my rabbis marked it not as the end of my conversion process, but as the beginning of lifelong Jewish learning and growth. So, happy anniversary to me!